A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high, and he sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and this time pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he placed in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart. “Where on earth did you get him?” Says the bartender.

The man responded by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke, then a beautiful blonde genie is standing before him. “I will grant you one wish. Just one wish … each person is only allowed one!”

The bartender got real excited. Without hesitating he said, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they kept coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“I know,” says the man, “do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?”

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One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, ‘Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?’

‘Reading a book,’ she replies, (thinking, ‘Isn’t that obvious?’). ‘You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,’ he informs her. ‘I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.’

‘Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.’

‘If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,’ says the woman.

‘But I haven’t even touched you,’ says the game warden.

‘That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.’

‘Have a nice day ma’am,’ and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

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I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of dinner?”

“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told me.

“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.

“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”

“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.

“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless woman. “I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”

“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”

The homeless woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”

I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”

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A lady approaches a priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. They keep saying “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed. “But I do have a solution to your problem. Bring your two parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots to whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will then teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.”

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest’s house.

The priest’s two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking Parrots, and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hot. Do you want a date?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and screams, “Put your Bible away Idiot, our prayers have been answered!!!!!!!”

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A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” the man asked.

The wife replied “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket”.

The man then said “When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on”

The wife apologized and went on with the housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied .”Your horse phoned”

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Children’s Science Exam

If you need a laugh, then read through these Children’s Science Exam Answers.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
(brilliant,love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the Borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels, A, E, I, O, U.

Q: What does “varicose” mean? (I do love this one.)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word “benign” mean?’
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

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John asks his grandpa: "Do you still have sex with Granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only Oral".

John says: "what is oral?"

Grandpa: "I say F**k you, and she says:F**k you too"

The 3 tragedies in a man’s life:

1- life sucks

2- job sucks

3- Wife does NOT!

A man is dying of cancer.

His son: "Dad why you keep telling people you’re dying of AIDS??".

Answer: "so that when I die, no one will dare to f**k your mother."

(more…)

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A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude
and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, can you help me? I
promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don’t know where I
am.”

The man below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees
north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am”, replied the man. “How did you know?” “Well, answered the
balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I’ve no
idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I’m still lost.

Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything you’ve delayed my trip
even more.”

The man below responded, “You must be in management.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did yo u know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re
going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You
made a promise which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people
beneath you to solve your problems.

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A little Red Indian boy asked his father, the big chief and witch
doctor of the tribe, “Papa, why is it that we always have long
names,while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for
example?”

His father replied, “Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign,
or a poem for our culture –not like the white men, who repeat their
names from generation to generation.
Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

(more…)

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One day an employee sends a letter to her boss asking for an increase in her salary!

Here is the letter:

Dear Bo$$,

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Marian $hih

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:
(more…)

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A woman goes to Italy to attend a 2-week, company training session.

Her husband drives her to the airport and wishes her to have a Good trip.

The wife answers : “Thank you honey, what would you like me to Bring for you?”

The husband laughs and says: “An Italian girl !!!”
The woman kept quiet and left.

Two weeks later he picks her up in the airport and asks: “So, honey, how was the trip?”

“Very good, thank you.”

“And, what happened to my present?”

“Which present?” She asked.

“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!!”

“Oh, that” she said “Well, I did what I could, now we have to wait for nine months to see if it is a girl !!!”
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Moral of the story: Don’t tempt a woman, they are far too intelligent!

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